Fitness Addict Literature Freak

I'm a 17 year old girl struggling to overcome bulemia. I have become addicted to cross country and running as well as soccer. Admittedly hipster. Lover of indie music. Trying to learn to love myself.


“Dig a Hole”
William Beckett

Plant a seed, top it off, watch and see, pray for rain, wait a week. It never comes.

Humans are curious creatures. We acknowledge life is infinitely complex, but in spite of (or perhaps because of) this knowledge, we try to control everything around us, from the frivolous to the significant. There is an innate feeling within us that recognizes the vanity of our actions, and yet, we stand midstream, trying to stop the river with our hands. Because we’re afraid of the uncertainty and the unknown, we do our best to control ourselves and put guards up against what might destroy our comfort.

But just behind the curtain, just behind the curtain, something is happening.

For the past year, I have been outside what I consider my comfortable place. Last year, another continent became my home, and I was faced with the necessity of meeting and interacting with new people constantly. Ever since I was little, I have struggled with the repeated pleasantries, the worry they’ll find me annoying, the crippling fear of rejection. But I’ve learned to hide it well, and I would guess most people don’t realize that, inside, I’m panicking about whether my joke was funny or if I’m interesting enough. To cope and make it through the encounters, I hide behind my mask for each new meeting, hoping it will get people to like me.

I don’t want to be lonely, and I don’t believe I’m the only one. I’m sure many other people I meet all stand behind their own masks to hide their secrets, insecurities, or invisible pain. Everyone has pieces of themselves they want to keep behind the curtain.

I tell myself, “Gotta make you happy, whatever cost, whatever fee, tomorrow comes.”

Sometimes our masks begin to define us. But a mask is a lie. Instead of being ourselves, we become stuck, trapped between the person we really are and who we think another wants us to be. In the fear that they might leave us, the desire to control takes over, and we try to change ourselves. The fiction of it all sweeps us up, and we forget how to truly be happy. We forget we deserve to be happy as ourselves.

Open up your hands and let go. How impossible it seems. It’s possible to me.

It’s difficult to surrender to the unknown and present yourself to the world. But we have to learn to love and accept ourselves before we can release the insecurities, jealousies, and resentments. Our uniqueness should be cherished, and we all have something special to add to others’ stories. When we understand we deserve to be loved for who we are, we can take off our masks forever.

Perhaps it is only when we let go of our desire for consistent control of life that we can embrace it fully.



“i remember love” by brightlightsloudoises


“i remember love” by brightlightsloudoises


“in the morning” by brightlightsloudnoises


“in the morning” by brightlightsloudnoises


walk on by // el perro del mar

download: amazon mp3 | itunes




(via oh, hello friend)


A rainy run in Melbourne. My notes:

  • Seeing a group of people you don’t know, but have to approach, is SUPER DUPER WHOA scary. I was THISCLOSE to just passing them and doing my own run.
  • I can really hear my own accent in a group of Australians. It’s weird. 
  • I joined the ‘intermediate group’ who was doing fartlek training (fast, then slow, then fast, then slow, running). There were 7 girls, and then our trainer.
  • I ran 6.5k (there n’ back), and then we ran about a 600 meter circle listening to a whistle blow (1 whistle: 60% | 2 whistles: 70% - 80% | 3 whistles: run your ass off) Twas hard.
  • I actually nearly died. Like wanted to stop and puke. Which (drum roll please…) means I actually REALLY pushed myself. So that is new.
  • I always feel weird saying, “I’ve run a marathon marathons.” I really feel I look to fat to say that. I know, I know… but it’s true.
  • I miss my old non-cellulite running legs. Determined to find them again.
  • Running in the rain > Running in the heat
  • Melbourne is AHHHHHH-MAZING for running. There are running paths everywhere.
  • So you know how they drive on the left side of the road here? Well, they also run on the left. It’s amazing how hard this is to do.  It really messes with my mind.
  • There are lots sexy-as-hell Australian running men on the paths. Sometimes I’ll even speed up to just run behind the sexy men. My God… just wow.
  • I ran
  • It’s starting to get darker earlier here… noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

And so Spring Fall Autumn marathon training begins!

(Source: one-twenty-five)

six word truth


You will always be my muse.

(via crumpledwhitesheets-deactivated)

I wish.

I wish.

(via ethelynrhmaritza)


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